Taking a break
(Date: 16th September 2023.)

I met such a wonderful friend amongst endless chaos a month ago. A friendship I never wanted to hurt, never wanted to lose, and never wanted to put so much pressure on among trying to do things *right* but did so wrong.

I talked about all this stuff on fedi on my fedi instance (toots.hwl.li) instead of immediately to them. And like they were with me since the start. And I kept putting pressure on them not even realising to the extent. And just as I thought, from our communication, that we were on the right path.. I got exactly what I didn't want happen. That message saying it's over because of how much I'd been affecting their mental health.

They of course had deleted Delta Chat right after, not waiting for my response, because well what was my response going to be? Me pleading to them? Me not seeing I'd done wrong? That I don't see how that I'd made them feel how could they tell me to hold up, to talk to me until they had burst, and that what changing is there I'd do?

I was so harsh. It was one sided, and just I'm talking about in a public place of all this.. again, instead of to them.

I was so full of trying to do things *right* that I did something else entirely wrong.. and caused exactly what I didn't want to. Hurting the one I adore and cared so much about, and I like said to them what a friend is through me saying how I am like.

I was hurt, and I put it all on them and didn't know where to end, and well how can you tell someone to halt when that person, everything you've known the entirety of the friendship was them doing this, how can you feel that maybe they'll listen? How can you feel things can change, that they'll change, when what you're getting is that they don't give a damn about you?

How can you mend any of this when no part of you can believe they'd be willing to, that would change up completely to do what you need for the friendship to still survive?

I did things so wrong through so much trying to do things right and being harsh in trying to do things right, not trying to do the same mistakes that went so wrong with previous bonds.

I'll not forgive myself. I tried today, 16th September 2023, to get my apology to my friend. Not through block evasion. And not through trying to make my friend feel I'm spying on them, which um I had joined as an avi that just stood out like a sore thumb to them Thursday night, was just standing there and yea they called that out and I immediately left realising what I was doing. And then nor could I want to bring in like any friend of mine or anything either.

Today, again as of writing, I'd just been mostly AFK in that room in HR (HighRise, a game) with an avi (avatar) that well I'd of thought my friend would clearly recognise everything about it, the character I did it based on, with the name of the song tied to that character as the username, with the part of the lyrics that are all too relevant, as the bio, forcing myself to ignore those *props*, because yea they still trigger me but I'll put my friend over that, and if there was any chance of mending anything, I want to do it.

I posted an apology as a publicly viewable post on that account hoping they'd like see after me being there the whole day and last night, just I'd been 100% in that room for like the past 18 hours today. I've not switched out. I didn't want my friend to think I'm following them in, when I hadn't even been paying attention to goings on all that much in it.

I was just mostly.. being effectively AFK, just zoomed on my character, not looking at the chat.. hoping I'd perk their curiosity. Hoping by getting their curiosity and them realising, before they head to the block.. they'd see that post, see my apology. And just do I expect them to want to make amends? No. But I just wanted to get to them my apology. At least a response they obviously never thought they'd get from me, that well, I know I fucked up, and how I fucked things up.

I got very hopeful for a minute when they'd moved across right by me, that had I got their curiosity, were they looking at that apology?

Nothing came about. I worked up the courage to message one of their friends that well was one out of their friends that I was most hurt from. I worked up the courage to ask if I could talk to them.. That what ever it'd take to mend things, I want to do.

They of course blanked and had messaged telling my friend about that avi being me, and so my friend immediately blocked me and kicked (edit: banned) me from the room. I guess that apology that was right there never got seen. Had I did this while not in the room, where my friend would have to go to the profile to block? They'd of seen. But would they of blocked without looking? I don't know, but I'd be hopeful, how could they ignore it, as it'd be bugging them if they had?

And I can't do anything else. I blew the one thing I could only think of that could work.. and that's not through means that just.. I cannot be one to block evade to apologise. Because through that I'm disregarding a huge boundary that just, I can't do that.

And to them I'm sure my whole presence there today was a huge boundary violation too.

It rips me up that just they probably put on a facade, not all entirely them pretending, but them wanting, and just well.. I so was sure things were on the right track. And then it all came crashing down, and they were gone. All as a result of me trying to do things *right*, being super harsh with that and I did some very big wrongs.

I so much just didn't want to mess this friendship up. I didn't want to make the same mistakes. I didn't want to do wrong with yet another, and just within the past month that we'd been talking, they're a damn special friend. A friend I'd do so much for, and well, one of the things? Getting rid of what caused so much harm.. fedi. Even if that's the last social I'm on entirely. Just I'd do it, and that's why I've made the decision to get rid of my instance, and as of now I'm entirely pulling my instance, and directing my sites here.

I need a social detox. I've endlessly been writing about things on fedi, which was fine, until it came to all this with my friend.

Through me just writing in like a way I felt I could always explain better, in a way directed to a general audience rather than personally, through me posting on there, with said content warnings and all and linking, through that like I wanted to just be able to say things in a way I'm not forcing them to take in everything immediately and all.. but just through doing all that, I made them feel there was no stopping me, there was no telling me to pause. There was no belief able to have that I'd backtrack anything. I've said it all, I've said it to an audience, an audience that they don't know, and they if a reader was reading and knew who it was, would they try to be all clever, think they're helping but as a result are sending harassment?

I never dreamt doing it to my previous bond, that so much went wrong with.

Even though they did, even though they talked to an audience publicly through toxic thoughts and really upset, about me, not mentioning but just how could anyone not know on the same network as me, it's about the person that had a picture of us from Zepeto in their avatar, had my affection to them just splashed everywhere. How could anyone that's been paying even the tiniest of attention not know who it's about?

And so if I had, oh how pointless would it be to not just outright personally name them, because everyone knows..

So I kept to my private account where we talked.

And I wish I could of done all this here. And you know, I could of. If I got out of writing as posts long form like this, indirectly, when I could do so directly to them. My friend was right there. I had the ability to. But I did in the form of the ways I had so much especially since joining fedi.

And I destroyed my friend in doing so. A friend that was with me right from the start. And through my hurt, I effectively told them what a friend is, I certainly was saying through my actions that it doesn't matter how much they support me that it's not enough. Where the fuck is my support to them? I certainly didn't show it through all this. I didn't show that I care, and I didn't show I trust.

I'll never forgive myself for that. And I didn't see it coming at all. Not in the way it came, why. I just kept on, I didn't know where to stop. And in turn I don't get to apologise to them. But it's all so clear why.

And so well why do I get to be even online anymore. Why should I have socials. I don't deserve it. What do I even deserve? Certainly not friendship to go the right way obviously.

And like, even doing this? It's going against what I want to do completely saying yet another thing again about my friend, without their input. It's me doing just the same exact thing. I'm writing about my friend, about this to an audience, and that domains etc everything is pointed to now, instead of.. what should be me being able to talk things out with my friend, but they had ran off and stopped, blocked contact before I could, because again, I get from their head, what solving this even is there? I'm all in this for myself. I'm all about my hurt.

And then in a Zepeto session together just hours before the contact ended, I was being my same affectionate self that I am with friends, and like did I scare them with that um, I adore only what they give to me? What about them right? Where is that part of everything?

I'd do just anything to have this friendship back. To have them back, and actually do things right for once, and not be there trying to do right and doing wrong in the process. Whether that was sooner than later, or very much later.. I'd have them back in an instant. And if I can have them back, it certainly isn't with me also being on fedi. Not with this being a huge contributor to the hurt I've caused. And certainly not running an instance and like when can I ever take a break from that?

Like I said to my friend, I'll not stay in a space that has caused them so much hurt, and with the endless chaos that is fedi, that is going to take a long time to get better rather than worse as it feels, with that being the space I posted what caused so much harm.. I cannot stay in that space. I cannot keep that space. I'll put my friend first. I'll always put my friends first that have been harmed. That's just what I do. So, fedi for me has to go. Way for September to be the start again of a social media purge like September to December was last year deleting corporate socials.

I don't know when I'll come back. All I can feel now is I don't ever want to come back, ever have a presence online, not without my friend that I was so hopeful with that friendship, I had hope again I deserve a friendship, and one too that's still long distance but this side of the pond? I had so much hope. And I tried so much to do right.. but again, I just did so wrong.

I'm so sorry my friend I harmed you. And to my past friend that had the wrongs I was so aggressively trying to not ever do anything near like again, I'm sorry to them too.

And to the friends of my friend, well I don't know what I can even say. What was going to come out of me initiating contact with one of them, other than they see me as a hostile, someone that hurt their friend after coming at them all through being triggered, and through all my writing that I'm trying to steal that friend away? And there I am trying to make amends with at least one now just because of this?

But well, I'm sorry hurt came from this. I'm sorry I lashed out whilst being triggered, after a week of being there and keeping it in about being triggered by such. And I'm sorry I hurt your friend from all the relentless pressure I put on them. They're an incredible person. A person I'll always cherish, always have my arms open to whatever they choose.

I love you my friend. My past and present friends. I love, I cherish you. So much more, so beyond what I can love and cherish of myself right now that's for sure. Take care.

Cya around, Jase .

"Some people fall in love for life,
Others never get it right,
Love's fickle when it calls."
~ Forever Fall from RWBY.

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good people do nothing" ~ Alya to Mari @ Miraculous.

"Unfortunately, the real world isn't the same as a fairy tale". ~ Blake to Ruby.
"Well, that's why we're here! To make it better". Ruby to Blake @ RWBY.

.. how much I was trying to make things better. And I failed this time.

Oct 1st 2023: there's more..