All the time it is either me that is feeling like shit or someone close to me that is feeling like shit. We all have our bad days but it’s just crazy how life tricks you when you think everything is ok.
My father abused and used me, my sister and my mum mentally and physically including alcohol, drugs, smoking, physical violence, you name it. He abused and used our whole damn family, even his own, though he did everything in such a way, none of them even realised. I didn’t really realise he was abusing me, but I damn well knew he was hurting my mum and sister and I damn well knew he hurt me a lot and I was scared as crap of him. I knew every time I was sent to my bed because I was naughty such as refusing to clear up my toys, or something happened at school, he always came to my room in a big drunk temper. I would try my best to get out of reach on my bed (high rise bed) so he doesn’t get to me to give me massive hard wacks on my face. He always humiliated us, not that I understood when I was younger, but I damn well remember. Maybe like always he was too drunk to realise what he was doing. I do not know, all I know was that it makes me sick how he treated us, and it made me so bloody disguised how he always was playing games with us saying he was on his deathbed multiple times, after he left, to make us feel sorry for him, forgive him and welcome him back open arms, “yea we forgive you and can forget the monster you’ve been to us”.
Around when I was around 14, 4 years (positive it was then) later from when he left, me my mum and sister was out bowling. He appeared out of the casino area, he was drunk, smelt of alcohol drugs and cigarette as always. We realised what the day was, his birthday. He started harassing my mum and sister. He refused to leave us be. I snapped at him to leave us alone. He didn’t recognise me. He asked who I was and I snapped back who do you think. He then gave me that smirk he always gave and boy didn’t I flip. I just suddenly slapped him on the face hard as hell, he was startled but was like “that all you got”. I then went crazy and picked up one of those metal bowling ramps that’s used for the disabled. I was going after him for it but as so that worked out. The only one that wasn’t almost wacked with it was my sister dispite her being in a wheelchair making her the most vulnerable out of the lot. I seriously do not know what would of happened if my mum wasn’t able to calm me down and get me out of my melt down. Would I of killed my father? I don’t know, but I sure as hell would of put him in hospital but then who else would I of put into hospital? I know I would of put myself in hospital and who would be the one that get’s put behind bars? Him? Me? All I know is I am glad my mum was there to get me out of my melt down, and I am glad he got so scared seeing the state he put me in knowing someone would be hurt if he intervened anymore.
He passed a year ago October. Did it hurt, yes and no, did I want to see him before hand to say one last goodbye? No, as the amount he cryed wolf, I had no interest. Do I forgive him? I do not forgive the monster I knew in him and what he did to us, but I do forgive him for he is human, a child of God. I forgive him praying God forgives him and everything he has done. I forgive him praying that he escapes the demon that Satan made him be. I forgive him for he is a part of me, whether I like it or hate it, he is the same as me, he is who I once called daddy, and I do not want to know his heart os trapped in that monsterfor eternity.
I got bullied all throughout my childhood, not that I’d say I ever had it the hardest, as every person has gotten bullied at some stage in their lives, sometimes without realising. It didn’t help being treated by shit by everyone in school when I already had that at home, even by teachers meaning in that they didn’t understand and always thought I was to blame.
The one school I had no one bullying me, where everyone understood me, where they all were friends with me, I was there for 2 months. My mum worked so hard to put me in that school for Year 5 changing me from the other school where I was being bullied, and then the council moved us to a new house, in a much NICER place, somewhere I just absolutely love being, but it tore me apart leaving that school and it was really hard fitting into my new school, though it wasn’t bad at all, but not a patch on that school I was at for those two months. Then the secondary/senior school I was at, I had a mixture of a wonderful and really rough time. I got bullied big time again, but more so I had my emotions messed with and I had teacher troubles big time again.
Last week of term in May 2009, when I was in year 9, that’s when we had a 3 day trip to France because it was our last week at that school before going to different schools after half term (week break) as the school was on the way of closing down. That trip I had my emotions messed with yet again by specific people I thought were friends. Then at the new school, well little to say, I fitted right in. But who was at that school? Every damn bully from my first school. Yea that was rough though I a lot of times actually got back at them in their faces.
Once, such an hilarious memory actually how I trolled them, I walked past them at lunch. They all started following me and so I ran, they ran, but like they could keep up with me unlike they could back then. I just out run them and when I turned a corner I turned around and went running back at them. Scared them like anything. They just didn’t expect it and it turned into me chasing the 30 or so of them away back around the school. The principle saw everything and so did the head of my year. They just thought it was hilarious as not only were they bullies to me, they were bullies of the whole damn Secondary/Senior school.
That’s the funniest of it all, and I got them a few times doing yhat and similar things, though the last time they played it on but I caught on.
Though I cannot forget how they all treated my, I have always had a strong belief that if they ever saw my father getting at me, they’d of all killed him because they hated him so much, many of them were abused themselves by their parents, explaining why they took it out on me making me like shit so I believed they wouldn’t let him do treat me like that. Would they or wouldn’t they? I feel they would. Many of them came to the same college as me, but the one occasion that they tried getting at me, I just snapped “Bully me as much as you like, but don’t expect me to cry”. That’s my quote to bullying and they could see I was not afraid one bit. Was I afraid? There was that cold feeling and I would be afraid if it was out in public were they could easily kill me if they so wanted to before anyone helps, but then, no I wasn’t afraid. They couldn’t do anything, and I just had startled them big time that.
That was the last time they even came near me. I saw them on the street a few times and they tried getting my attention but I blanked them.
I never tried phsyically commiting suicide but how many times in the past I just wished I’d die and had thoughts of killing myself and detailed thoughts how exactly I can commit suicide, should I jump of a bridge, overdose, stab myself, or what? It scared me to death, excuse the pun, and I just, ugh, how can I explain it. If it wasn’t for me getting into writing to inspire, I may still of been there today. Would I of killed myself? I have trust I wouldn’t of but who knows. All I can say is thank you God for not letting me.
Then when I thought I was all better I fell into a self harming addiction. The first time was because I just lost my senses needless I explain and it was because of emotions. The rest was because the darn urges which caused me to be doing it every damn night during November 2013 and a lot of December and January 2014 and some of February. I was open to my friends from college about it as many found out anyway and I was being open about it on my blog too. I was open to a few of my teachers as they found out as my learning support worker noticed and my class teacher could see something wrong. That’s when I got the courage thanks to my teachers and thanks to my friends to see the college counsellor. May last year was the last time I did it after a break from it since February. It made me realise even more so how destructive and pointless it was.
I had and still have a lot of shit going on, and as long as there is an earth shit will happen. I know my life isn’t the hardest, it isn’t easy either, especially having high functioning Autism, though you’d think I have Asperger’s instead which is at the bottom end of the scale of Autism. Life has never been easy and it never will be, I’m 20 and I’m where I wish I was when I was 15, know what I want to do with my life, because then I would of actually done something in college from the start that I would of been doing throughout the 4 years I was at college, Music or Media… though I did look fkr a media course when I statted but it didn’t exist until the last two years I was there not knowing about it. I’m not in college now, I’m teaching myself new things as I am concentrating on creating content on YouTube, learning as I go with my camera, learning as I go editing videos, writing songs, recording when I am gaming doing commentary which is improving my speech and language skills BIG TIME. I am adventuring out further and futher away from home, and I plan to go to Portsmouth for the weekend before my birthday in April, by myself. That’s seriously the furthest I will of taken myself ever, and for two nights myself, that’s something I never have done. It’s not a positive yes I will be going, but I have even booked my hotel for that if I do go (free cancelation up until that night so might as well).
As much as I could be hurting over my pain, over my past, over what happens still day in day out where my mum is in the rough and friends are in the rough, life is what you make it. There is no buts, whether you believe in God and Jesus or not, whether you are part of a religion or not, whatever, life is what you make it, hope will always be found, and life will always go on. “The weakest are from deeply within the strongest of all natures”. If you ever saw that once one Twitter, that’s my one quote that got retweeted about 60 times since I first tweeted it in January 2013. If any of you are who retweeted that, thank you so much for making my year when I found out about how much my closest to heart quote got spread around.
Stop thinking about yesterday, stop worrying about tomorrow, stop looking at that blade, stop looking at those pills, that knife, look at that pen or pencil, even if you don’t like to write, just look at it, see the creativity and joy it can make, write a song, write a poem, write a book, draw a picture, write love on your wrists, because a pen is not a knife, it will not end your life, it is not destruction. “Shit happens everyday, so much it’s hard to explain” but “you better suck life up and deal with it now, you only have one chance so don’t ruin it now. To meet your destiny is what you must do, what it is, it’s up to you”.
Be strong, stand up for self, and do not give in to pain because love towers hate. You are not out numbered, you’re more than they can handle. Show everyone who is the boss of your life. Learn to love yourself, because that’s the key to happiness. Relationships are the most important things ever, and that means the relationship with yourself and what your heart is screaming to believe.