What Is It With Cutting that's So Addicting?

The sensation, the beautiful sensation of the blade crossing your wrist. You do it once, you just fall into doing it again and again and again. If you don’t, you just feel awful, you just miss the blade too much. You feel depressed and feel the blade calling. It’s a release. You feel it’s the only release to whatever pain you are going through. You know it isn’t, it doesn’t help you, it makes you worse, but the temptation is just too great to follow what you know.

It’s just awful. It’s a battle that never ends. It takes little effort to pick up a blade, but it takes big effort to leave the sensation behind.

Society too often relates self harm to suicide. It’s easy to understand why, but majority of the time, it is not relatable. It’s like a cigarette, you smoke one, you’re addicted. It’s like a drug, you take one, you’re addicted. You accidentally discover how to lust, thinking what a wonderful feeling, you’re addicted.
What ever the addiction, it just takes one shot and smacked in your face you discover you’re addicted.I cannot lie, I only a year and a half ago didn’t quite understand self harm. I didn’t quite understand what was so addicting about it. I didn’t understand why people done it if they didn’t want to die.

My, my, times have changed. I picked up a blade in June last year. It felt just so amazing the sensation. It scared me, scared me a lot. I threw that blade away due to the encouragement of my class friends. I a few days later came across another one. My wrist started itching, instantly. The temptation was just too great to handle. November, why couldn’t I say no to the blade each night?
December I lost my blade. Just before the new year I found another blade. That time was the greatest sensation I had. A new blade welcoming me back.
I got through January thanks to all my bracelets and wristbands (which are an effort to take off and put back on). Well that is until this weekend when I relapsed, relapsed kind of bad.
It’s just so tough. It’s just so unimaginably addictive.
I do not want to die. I know that it’s dangerous. It just takes going a bit too far to put you in your coffin.

It’s just so hard. As a Christian, it is wrong what I’m doing to myself and as any human, religious or not, it is something we shouldn’t ever do. I do not want to do it.
I can see what is meant when people say that these demons inside of us are in our heads, it’s not real. I agree with that, I do believe that. It’s not a part of us. It’s not a part of God’s blessings. It is a state of the mind. It, just like sin, disease and death, hold no foundations in truth. Why is it just so hard then to stop even when I do believe that? It’s just beyond me.

I know I’ll beat this addiction, but it’s a matter of when. It’s not an overnight thing. I’m positive that I’ll be able to eventually overcome this on my own but I know I need support from my friends and teachers. I am getting that. I’m now having counselling to help. It takes a so much effort to speak about my problems and I do feel really awkward talking about them but I know it’s for the best. I’ve already gone through this self harming addiction for over half a year. I want to stop and I was really nervous to see my counselor for the first time yesterday, but I know it’s for the best.

Last night (or tonight should I say at the time of writing) I wrote this to try get away from the urges to cut and do this instead. I’m trying to follow what Andy sings, to make the choice between knifes and pens. I have mentioned before in my writing about making the choice between knifes and pens and I’m trying to follow that.
I have made a blog post before instead of cutting, which was thank you to what Steph did, opening herself up to me encouraging me to do the same by writing that blog post which helped me so much that night. So thank you Steph for that. In the past week three of my friends in particular (as well as Steph) have really helped me and encouraged me to talk about my troubles. They are Naomi, Edward and Emily. You lot, as well as taking note what my teachers told me, encouraged me to write this by being so supportive like you are. So thank you. I am determined to get through this. I am blessed by the friends I have and the supportive teachers I have.

Thank you God for forever showing me you’re there and I ask for you to help me through this and everyone else going through this or anything. Thank you. Amen.

Need to talk to someone?
In the UK, Samaritans can be contacted on
"116 123"
In Australia, Lifeline can be contacted on
"13 11 14"
In the US, the suicide prevention lifeline is
Other international helplines can be found at befrienders.org.

Date Published: 29th January 2014
Posted in: Addiction, Self-Harm,

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