August 2013, Mariam started at my Youth club. I made the worst mistake ever by saying yes to, my (then) best friend, Sophie’s begging to be her boyfriend. She was there always trying to be lovey dovey and that played with my emotions big time when it had only been a few months since my break up with my long distance relationship with Opal.
The very day I went to take Sophie on a date, she was all smiley and excited before we got on the bus. When we got off in Reading she stomped off shouting Relationship over.. Messed me up real bad. It was all down to me going to cuddle her and give her a kiss..
I sat in a unused bus stop, tears, hurting myself despite it being a public place, I was out of it that much.
No one came to me for a while, suddenly I heard someone banging the bus stop glass and when I looked around in complete fear, saw two guys, who then came sat down by me asked me what was wrong. I first replied saying it’s nothing and I don’t want to talk about it. But as so they were allowing that. Long story short, they themselves just had been made jobless and homeless that day, and they got me back to my senses, one gave me his hat, and they put me on the bus I was meant to go on to club. The money I would of spent on my date with Sophie I gave to them two as a thank you. Could just see in their eyes how blessed they were. Here’s the picture they took of me with the hat. Would you think I’d been all tears just before?
Now, onto Mariam.
When Mariam first started, she immediately just started randomly hugging me and holding my hand. I tried pushing away but couldn’t, so I just let her and Sophie knew this, I told her, and she was fine with it. At least it seemed, but for goodness sake, Sophie can’t say she laid off when I was in my relationship with Opal.
Jump back to the last Thursday of August when this happened. When I went to club, waiting for Mariam, she came up, and sensed instantly I wasn’t myself. She just gave me the most comforting hug I felt in my life. Since that second I realised what I just had done, what a mistake it was me even thinking of saying yes to Sophie. Was I playing with her feelings? She’s the one who was messing with my emotions, and see what happened. Well yea I realised my feelings not that I told Mariam until around middle of October. We just were constantly hugging and holding each other’s hands.
Sophie saw I fell for Mariam like everyone did as it was obvious. Sophie hated it as I’m sure you’d guess.
Skipping to when I went away to Yorkshire at the end of October, I like you can guess, wanted to be around Mariam. Well she spent the whole trip with Sophie. Was I jealous? How on earth wouldn’t I be? Did it hurt? Yes, but if they want to be friends, that’s not my decision, so I just went along with it.
Long story short, I just know Sophie’s hatred for me effected the way Mariam was acting. I was listening to my music basically the whole trip, taking my mind off it, and Sophie was coming out of her way to just spit in my face with the way she was acting. Mariam was with her and when she snapped to me “can you stop, leave us alone”… seriously do I need to explain how it felt, how hard that stabbed my emotions?
The following week, that really was rough. Everyone could tell I was not ok. I asked my youth worker (who runs the club) if I could have a talk before coming to club. The time she was able to meant I had to leave my maths lesson early, so I told my teacher before class and she immediately knew it was important seeing how stressed out I was.
I opened up what happened to my youth worker, and she immediately said she had a feeling this is what happened. Her words about Mariam was basically…
She’s a lot younger mentally than physically and never got close to someone like this before and her emotions probably aren’t at the stage for it.
I get what she means as the club is a special needs club. Everyone there has some form of condition. Mariam, despite her being 16, she was at the mental age of a 12 year old, and she gets led on easily by others, explaining why she suddenly snapped.
My youth worker talked with Mariam in club, said everything I said and so it turned out, yes, she got close and she just wasn’t ready for giving me so much attention.
We kept our distance up until end of January when I wrote her a card asking for us to be at least friends. I wrote her a song, based on Love Isn’t Fair by Black Veil Brides, and I drew her a drawing of a wonderful heart tattoo I found. I wrote my song around the drawing and that’s what I included in the card. As well as a card, I gave her lots of tiny little gifts, including a bracelet and a beautiful cross necklace. I gave them before the holidays and saw her next at the end of January. She loved all of it and was so touched.
I will come back to about Mariam in a bit.
Steph, We met around the last week of October at the bus stop waiting for a very late Fleet Buzz bus. She started talking to me as I was talking to Dorothy and Angelia who she knew, two ladies from the bus I always talked two.
We became really close friends, and we were there to support, be open and have a hug when we see each other.
Jade. We started talking right in the beginning of December after I added her on Facebook thinking I recognised her from college. She messaged saying “Hey, you’re from on Fleet Buzz”. I never had seen her as she was always at the back and I was always at the front. We met on the bus on the Monday, well after the bus more like as I completely walked right past her on the bus. I immediately bonded with her, and I find it so funny when she said that she doesn’t do hugs, but we ended up that way anyway.
We and Steph all became so close and I absolutely loved it when I decided to spend quality time with Jade, Steph was able to join too. Ever since then, I spent all my free time going around with Jade, messaging her all the time when we weren’t together.
Then everything came up about her boyfriend, Andrew. I had added him on Facebook right after I became friends with Jade. Jade started talking to me the way he was acting and making her feel, and there he was saying to me this and that, making Jade look bad. The way he said it, I believed him and cannot remember exactly what I said to Jade but it really upset her badly, and that’s when she opened up saying everything about how he was treating her. He was using her, pushing her friends away, making her look like the bad one, and getting everyone to feel sorry for him.
I got involved big time in it, I just wanted to help him. I tried so much to be a friend and hope I could some how help them both sort their relationship out and stop with useless accusations and attention seeking. I was honest to him, I didn’t deny I hugged Jade all the time, I didn’t deny I had a close bond with her, I didn’t deny I went spent my whole free time I could with her. I told him to be strong, I even at my angriest still told him to never resort to suicide. I was open to him about my own self harming addiction, I was open to him like I was to Jade about it, like I was to Stephe, like I was to my friend Emily from college. I told him he can talk to me and do not be afraid if he feels like having a hug. As we all need hugs, we all need to shown some love. We all need encouragement.
If you’re ever by chance reading this Andrew, I was true to my word with that. You know it. I didn’t say this for the sake of it. “Well I can’t think of the words to say but yea if you want someone to talk to, I’m here if you want to and also if you want to talk in person, go to a cafe or something for a talk, I’ll be happily glad to :)”
But when he was keep looking for reasons to say I’m trying to steal her, that’s when I showed everything Jade said. Long story short, I just got so angry at him and it kept going on and on throughout December and January. He brought his cousin in it who I ended up out in the street with fighting in January. He cornered me, I did my best to ignore him, and he wouldn’t leave my personal space and quit threatening. What’s expected of me? That was the last straw, when I just said everything to one of my teachers, whether Jade liked it or not.
During the holidays, I started crushing on Jade. Didn’t that give Andrew something new to use for “proof” that I was trying to steal Jade. What happened about Mariam? Well being so thrown about by all this drama, what can I say? Tell me this isn’t a reason I was having my emotions thrown everywhere? All I know is I suddenly thought it was stronger than I thought my bond with Jade.
After so much upsets, so much drama, Around the middld of January, Jade eventually quit our friendship because of Andrew. I cannot remember the last thing she said but seriously, being blocked everywhere and then being in the same place and being blanked by who I was so attached to, who I had had one of my greatest friendships with in that little while, it made me just feel worthless.
Once when I was on the bus in December, one of the girls was looking at me and smiling and waved at me when she went off. As it was coming up to the holidays and I celebrated it then, I did her a card, the card having my own drawing on, and when I was on the bus once with Jade, she got on so I went over and gave her card to her. I said in the card “Hey, I’m Jase, I know we’ve never talked but let’s change that, Jase”. So she came to the back where me and Jade were to introduce herself, Naomi. Sadly I upset Jade big time because she thought I was forgetting she was even there how I was talking to just Naomi. Jade soon had forgiven me though and wasn’t mad after I explained it’s just the way I am with more than one person. Whilst Mariam couldn’t cope giving me all her attention, I struggle keeping my attention to everyone I’m talking to, even if it’s 2 people. I soon arrived at my stop before had chance to ask Naomi for a contact, but in January I asked my friend Edward, who’s friends with her to give her my number. The day after she got it so we started talking. Not long after was when Jade quit our friendship.
Just like I have been to Jade, to Stephe, to many of my close friends, after I started talking to her, I soon quickly opened up to Naomi about my self harming, and this is what she said.
She told me to come over to sit with her and her friends for a talk. So I ended up keep getting their bus, even though it was during the school run which is just crazily busy
I soon told Edward everything too as he’s as much of a good friend, and he gave me a huge hug almost in tears.
Talked to Naomi for a few weeks until she just stopped replying to my messages which I kept sending in less amounts for a month, really just ripped me up that did when she said she put so much effort into wanting to be my friend and what she said to me, and then she just stops talking to me, soon after unfriending me on Facebook. Was it when I jumping for joy messaged that I was back with my friendship with Mariam? I don’t know, but that could be a reason, because she stopped talking when I messaged about Mariam. Did she like me? If she did I was completely clueless. If it wasn’t anything like that, what was it? What I can say is, this pushed me away from Edward and a lot of Naomi’s friends. Even though no one else was at fault, I felt like everyone suddenly turned on me and didn’t want to know me. I later realised this wasn’t the case with Edward, which is why he’s back as a friend, though I haven’t talked to him in like forever.Back to Mariam, so we were back talking, more distanced than before, but were back on track with our friendship. Until the February trip away to Germany. The first 2 & 1/2 days were great, Mariam got on excellent. How excellent.. When were were having our dinner, she sat by me opposite side of the table, and she grabbed my hand and was just holding it and we were gazing in each other’s eyes. Then on the Wednesday morning we went on a tram, and we both were playfully messing with each other’s feet. Really made me feel so dumb crushing oh Jade thinking my bond was closer.Later in the afternoon on Wednesday Mariam was getting stressed out and upset by Sophie and her friends, drama, complete drama. I went over to Mariam hoping to help her feel better. Didn’t work out though. She snapped again for me to leave her alone. Not only that, but then back at the hotel, Sophie was shit talking about me, and laughing at me, and Mariam was joining in.After the trip, I didn’t go to club again much. In April I talked to my youth worker saying I didn’t want to go to club anymore. I just couldn’t deal with it any longer. I invited Mariam to take the friendship outside of club, but she didn’t take it. So what could I do? I didn’t walk away without even trying did I?
A day or two before my birthday in April, Jade’s nan messaged me asking if I had talked to Jade and knew where she was, as she didn’t come home. It was a Sunday, the day the buses don’t run and I really panicked thinking she ran away. Steph thought that too and she was who told me about Andrew had broke up with Jade that she was going through a lot. I texted Jade in a panic begging for her to go home and say what happened. That’s when we got back talking. It turned out Jade’s phone was dead and so she stayed over her friend’s house. She didn’t remember her mum’s phone number or her nan’s. She said she was on her way home about to get on the train. I told Jade to stay talking to me until she gets home. As if I was going to let her run away if that’s what she was really trying to do.
She told me what happened with Andrew, that he suddenly just went for another girl letting Jade discover it herself. Jade told me how much she missed me and wished she closed the door on me. I would say that this was the best point our friendship was at. I held myself back a bit as I didn’t want to get too close like that again. But then our friendship certainly felt the closest it’s ever been.
Thursday in college, me and Jade spent the whole day together working on our course work. It just was such a great day I was having, until Jade went with Ashley and Jade warned me to not come near because Ashley was not in a good mood.I was roaming around town when Ashley phoned me asking where I was. I told him not expecting anything of it. Jade then texted saying I should not of told him and to go somewhere else quick. This really made me start getting scared and I spent the next two hours staying in John Lewis where I knew I was safe because of the security. Ashley was keep calling me and texting me, and Jade later texted saying he’s gone for me to meet her quick. I seriously thought he hurt her as I immediately called her and she didn’t sound alright at all. I asked where she was and went to meet her.When I was walking through town towards the station, where Jade was, I bumped into Daniel, one of my friends from college. He asked if I was alright as he could sense the fear in me, so I briefly told him what was going on. He came with me to the station but Ashley was there. He tricked me. Quickly we turned back around but guess who was following.
Daniel was asking him to please leave and stop following us, but he then threatened me “Stop flirting with my girlfriend”. I just burst out crying and ran into the nearest shop where I saw a security person. Did Jade come over? Did she realise how much that hurt? I just couldn’t deal with that again being threatened like that, being accused like that again.
I seriously do not know how that’d of turned out if Daniel wasn’t there to protect me.Jade went off with Ashley. I called my mum and asked her to pick me up. Daniel took me back to college where she said she’d collect me. We spoke to one of my teachers, and his words was that Jade needs to step up her game and just not allow people to get at me. She needs to stand her ground and say to her love lifes, “leave my friends alone, they are not like that” and if they don’t listen, they’re the ones who get rejected.
That evening I followed my mum’s advise and explained what happened to Jade’s mum who talked with Jade and told me we should leave each other be. In the morning on Friday Jade told me to meet her to talk about it. Well I went on the bus to where she told me to meet her only to find out she was on the bus going the opposite way. So I went back the opposite way only for her to say she was waiting to go back. So I met her on the bus back. She was on the phone talking to Ashley as so nothing happened and in the 10 minutes I was on the bus, she didn’t talk to me once. So I got off the bus and decided to go back to college and just do some work. Jade was mad at me for that, and I was mad at her. It ended with me swearing saying I’m done.
Skip to the end of September, a couple weeks before Jade’s birthday, Jade messaged “…” which damn well confused me why. Her contacts were messed up or something I cannot remember. Started talking again, but to cut it short, she was keep telling me to meet her, and then she was keep not turning up, and she was keep not responding for ages to messages. Certainly showing she was no longer interested don’t you think? That’s when I decided to stop chasing Jade and if she wants to be my friend, she can chase me.
It’s been a year since I talked to her, and it’s been a year and a half since I saw Mariam. It’s also been forever since I talked to Steph, and I never have talked to Naomi since I gave up trying a month after she stopped talking to me.
Do I blame anyone I have talked about here? No. Not even Andrew or Ashley. We all are human and it’s not anyone’s fault all this happened. If you’re so surprised I fell into self harming, are you so surprised now after reading this? All I can say is I am a human too, I have emotions. This played havoc with my emotions and I am so blessed I have friends throughout this helping me. Emily, Emma, Katrina, Daniel, Jamie, Axel, Matt, Amelia, Hannah, Chelsea, Beth, Siobhan, Joe, Emily, Naphesa, Steph, Lewis, Jamie, Katie, Indiana, Josh, Luke and all my other friends from college. I’m so blessed that almost every bus driver from Fleet Buzz helped so much by being so nice and friendly and always willing to talk. George, Trevor, Simon, Dean, Darren, Peter, Susannah (Originally thought her name was Helen), Harry, and every other one who’s names are not ringing on my mind. Edward, Rachel, Naomi, Dorothy, Angelia, Sue, Jess, Victor, Adam and Carla, John & John, Solomon, and everyone else who I have met from on the buses.
I am just so thankful I always had someone to talk to, and if you wonder why Fleet Buzz, a typical always late, bus was so special to me, wonder no more. I learnt so much about buses from the drivers, I always was told about any new buses coming or going. The bus drivers all just gave the yellow and black buses much more meaning to me, gave my enthusiasm in buses much more meaning as a whole. Everything that’s happened, I could of gotten put off buses, but so much made me just love buses more and more.
“Bus Friends”, the name of my bus enthusiast Facebook group (almost at 400 members), this is all the meaning of the name. Not only do I think of buses as my friends, but all the friends I have made on them, whether good things happened or bad things happened, I am thankful for every single friendship and bond I made.
You may be going through a lot, you may be keep having failed friendships and relationships, but why are you still chasing people if they fail to chase you? Good things will come and go, bad things will come and go. We make many mistakes all the time and wish we could turn back time, change everything for the better, and know you never made that mistake. Little do you know, you’d probably be creating an alternative reality every time you reverse time, and you’ll be making the storm that much wilder. Is it worth it if it could be done? How would you make of it when the time comes where you must make the choice between saving the world, or the person closest to you?
Whether those who hurt me deserve it or not, I forgive them. We all have our lives to live, and there is no going back into yesterday. I hope those I hurt forgive me too, whether they brought it onto themselves or not. Andrew brought it onto himself, I am not going to say differently, but if his life is going good now, all I can say is good for him. It was almost 2 years ago. Why does he deserve that to effect his life more than it obviously had already? Mariam, I cannot blame her one single bit. It’s not her fault she’s got special needs just like me. It’s not her fault she has emotions that she was jumping ahead of.
I miss Mariam, but I don’t much think of her anymore. Is that saying I no longer love her? No! I know too damn well What my feelings are going to be whenever I see her again. I am not saying “if” because I believe I will. All I can say is I know if friendships/relationships are meant to be, they will be. That is the truth, but before it ever will be, you need to realise the friendship/relationship you have with yourself. Love yourself, for you are a holy temple made in the image of God. Enjoy life and value what you have, value what you enjoy to do, and make this thanksgiving have a meaning.
To God above I pray, I will not let these demons hurt me again the way they did. Everything happens for a reason, whether good or bad. Life hurts, life is strange, life is a bumpy road. Life is no simple path to destiny, but destiny you will find if you rid the pain from your mind.
Just carry on, make this life yours and do what you love. Only you can make yourself happy in this life. Others can inspire you to change the way you think, but they cannot save you. You have to save yourself. Do what is right! Be a fighter.
Here’s a song by my friend Eduard ft. Koethe called Carry On. “Just carry on by from time to time… Carry On”. Happy Thanksgiving.